Giver.

"By the way
By your side I'll stay
If that's okay
Then by your side I'll stay forever
Here I am standing up
Because I want to fall in love with you" - Blue October Clumsy Card House



I have an issue with always needing things to be put into words. Without them, I'm lost. Words mean a lot to me. Music helps me speak. I tend to not make much sense sometimes. Lyrics help me.


So today's song lyrics are from blue october, the song being Clumsy Card House.
As the title says, I have too much to give, and no one to give it to. I hate that feeling. All the love I have just gets crammed into the back of me, and then it turns bad, and then I feel sad. Sometimes, it feels like no one wants it.


Have you ever found perfection? I could swear I have. I don't have it anymore, though. That's the problem. I found it, I grasped it, I held on so tight, and it left me. Why? No reason. Just did. Sucks, right? So.. what now? What do I do now? I keep finding all these things I not only want, but that I need, and no way to make them my own.


Maybe I don't need them. But I still really, really want them. I won't know if I need them, ever. I can only assume and go for it.


What do you do when you want what you can't have? Or when what you want doesn't want you? I think I ask more questions than answer them. Oh well. But either way, it's a terrible feeling. I hate when you find something you've been looking for, and it's just out of reach. Some of you will say I can just try harder, or go for it anyway, nothing's stopping me! But alas, there is stuff stopping me. It's why I don't have any of it in the first place.


I'm a lover. I'm a giver. I think with both my head and heart, but much too often I go with my heart. I can't help it. I feel that if I give up on something just because of logic, what if I'm wrong..? They say don't second guess yourself, and if my heart is pulling more than my head, why should I give up on that?


I think I'm lost of direction. I never know which way to go, because I don't want to miss something somewhere else. I find somewhere, my mind is set. Did I just contradict myself? Well, I do that a lot. I think way too often. I sleep a lot just to stop thinking. But then I dream, and somethings the dreams are just too sweet.. and then I wake up and I'm so happy for that split second before I realize it was all fictional. Just my mind taunting me. So I guess that it's good I don't dream often.


Ok getting off topic. What was the topic again, anyway? I have no idea. Too many topics to shove into one topic.


Overall, I think what I'm trying to say, I just hope that I find someone to share everything I have with, someone who won't call me weird, obsessive, needy (not that I've been called so.. I just feel that way). Someone I can trust in, and just love, and not have to worry about how much love to show, how to show it, how to say it. Just, love.